I don't like fish anymore

I was once a star athlete in college. I played football for a division AA school and was offered a quarterback position for an arena football league. Times were great back then. I didn't need drugs to get high, simply living life was more than enough. Unfortunately, a tragic event took place, which all but squandered my pro athlete career. But I refuse to accept that those were the greatest years of my life.

I know many of you will find what I'm about to write deeply immature and stupid, but you have to understand the mentality of young male athletes who think they're invincible, as I did. After graduating, a few football buddies of mine took a boat out to celebrate and do a little fishing. We were all a bit intoxicated and started to play a manly bout of truth or dare. I was dared to tie a fishing line around my johnson and fish with it for five minutes. I never hesitated.

While my back was turned, a 45lb mahi mahi, also known as a dolphin fish(great fish to grilled), took the bait and bolted. At first I didn't feel anything, a slight tug of pressure at most, but when I looked down, all I saw was blood gushing from the sad vacancy where my special little guy used to be. Then I passed out.

The reason I know what kind of fish stole my manhood was because a few hours later a twelve year old girl caught the same fish. I hear she's still in therapy. To my dismay, crabs had managed to mangle my defenseless penis beyond repair. The story made local headlines, but luckily the papers didn't include my name.

For so many years I was depressed. I'd cry every time I sat down to pee. Now, thanks to modern medicine, I've been given a new hope. You know how some people use pig organs, like hearts and livers, to keep them alive? well, I have a pig penis. A big one. The doctors have sculpted it to make it look more homo sapien-like. Through new nano-nerve technology I can feel all the sensations I used to, and since that devil fish didn't get away with my balls, I can still have children.

I usually don't tell women about my condition until after I've slept with them, which, for some strange reason, always seems to freak them out. One chick even hung herself in my bathroom right after I told her. That ruined my weekend. But it's really no big deal, which is why I'm getting this out in the open and looking for someone who can look past trivial matters such as this. I want someone I can lean on. Someone to share my life with. Someone that I can wake up to every morning and tell that I love. All I ask is that you have big titties, shave your snatch, and aren't kosher.