Do you like bacon?

Do you like bacon? You know, that magical part of the pig that sings sweet odes of ecstasy when you put it in your mouth. If you’re one of those people that doesn’t like bacon you might as well eat a can of asparagus, drink some European beer, and piss all over the American flag. Bacon is simply awesome. I mean, there’s only one thing better than a double cheeseburger and that’s a double “bacon” cheeseburger. Shit, everybody knows that. I mean, did you know that religious archaeologists recently discovered that it was not fish and bread that Jesus fed to the hungry in that parable, but bacon and bacon? WWJD.

I understand there is more to life than just bacon. I’m not obsessive, just passionate. And I do have other interests in my life besides bacon. These include, but are not limited to: ham (preferably honey baked), salami, baby back ribs, pork chops, sausages, pork rinds, and some types of hot dogs. Venus flytraps are cool too. Sometimes I feed bacon to my flytraps, but that’s only when they’ve been well behaved. I also enjoy firm titties. Not hard like fake implants, but close. Mostly I just like bacon though.

If you’ve never put bacon bits on ice cream before, you need not apply, since you’re probably a dirty terrorist with herpes. I’m only interested in chicks that dig bacon. Get it? I’m not asking for a lot here people. I’m not that interested in looks or background, unless of course you’re from French Guiana, if so then fuck off. Also, if you’re a vegetarian, I have some advice for you: Find the nearest sporting good store, buy a bow and arrow, and shoot yourself in the face. Can you think of anything more humane?

I make a modest living as a police officer, so I can take you out a few nights a month, but only a few, so don’t get greedy. I’ve never been married and have no kids, which leaves us plenty of time to eat bacon and play board games at my house, especially since Mother lost her hearing a few years ago and sleeps most of the day in the back room now.