Do clowns excite you?

So here’s the deal. I’m a clown. I come from a long line of clowns dating back to the early 1700s. I graduated from Clown College and have been making a modest living displaying my antics for various circuses and birthday parties. But recently something felt amiss.

For weeks I sat in a hotel room watching infomercials and sniffing glue, pondering what was absent in my life. Was I lonely? Did I need a girlfriend? Am I content with my life as a clown? Am I just going mad? Thoughts started spiraling through my head like drunken comets. I was getting dizzy. My hotel room suddenly filled with a static sound like Rice Krispies and the walls turned to dark monochromatic shades. There was a bright light and I think I screamed, but I don’t really remember. Then everything stopped and the room was silent. Usually in a situation like this a person says they can hear their own heart beating, but I couldn’t. For a few seconds I thought I was dead. Then my mind cleared and I reached a moment of clarity, caught a glimpse of nirvana, if you will. A light bulb went on over my head and I knew what was missing. I knew what had to be done. I have a mission.

God put me on this beautiful planet with a purpose. That purpose is to produce the first clown pornography film ever. With all the crazy sexual fetishes out there, (I think I saw a legless pregnant Taiwanese transvestite magazine once) it’s a wonder we don’t have any clown porn. Can you imagine it? Ten naked clowns pour out of a tiny car, engage in a silent mime-like gangbang, then ride around on unicycles honking each others horns and sticking animal balloons up their asses. That’s just one scenario, I have hundreds. Can you think of anything more stimulating? I’m getting aroused just thinking about it. The possibilities are endless, not mention the potential goldmine I’m sitting on.

I’m not really looking for a relationship, just more like a girl who is willing to help me engage in my erotic clown dream. I would prefer you to be a Libra, because I think I just get along better with them. If you have Human Papilloma Virus, that’s cool, we’ll just have more in common. Previous experience as a clown or a porn star is preferable, but I’m willing to teach you the art of both. Also you should be willing to accept circus peanuts as compensation. Serious inquiries only please. God bless and good night.