Check out my new den

Ok, this may sound strange at first, but please bear with me. Ask yourself three questions: Do you like danger? Do you like Jesus? Do you like it when Jesus saves you from danger? If you said yes to one or more, then we just might be compatible.

Since my daughter moved away to college, I’ve been searching for a use for her vacant room. I miss my daughter very much and some people say I have empty nest syndrome. So natuarlly I imported a bakers dozen of deadly eastern diamond back rattlesnakes and let them all loose in her room. These suckers can release enough venom in one bite to kill a horse. Now I have full nest of rattlesnakes. Yay for me! I haven’t fed any of them yet and have kept busy torturing them with water guns full bleach as well as poking them in the head with stretched out heated coat hangers. This pisses them off…a lot.

My daughter is going to be so upset about the tragedy that befell her cat last night. The poor little fur ball should have known better than to wonder into that room of rattling death. I’ll probably just tell her some Mexicans on ten speed bikes stole the kittie for drug money. I mean, I’d believe that. Who wouldn't?

Anyway, I’ve been watching lots of Evangelical television lately, and it seems that if you really, really, really believe in Jesus, and clap your hands and yell gibberish, then he will protect you from the harm of these snakes. I’d like to believe this, but there is only one way to find out for certain. That’s where you come in. Unless you’re calling Jesus a liar, then you should have no problem doing the “Macarena” in my snake pit. I have the cassette.

I will happily suck the poison out of any appendage that is bitten, but if you make one of them bite you in a naughty place on purpose, you're on your own bud. I also only live a few miles from a hospital (or is it a vet’s office?). I will take pictures so you can prove to your family that Jesus loves you, or if you get bit, that he hates you. Who can pass up being part of such a beautiful miracle?

I also have some furniture that needs moving and some bills I need help paying. Please prove to me that chivalry is not dead. If you’re lucky and survive, I’ll consider a good night kiss, but I'm no slut.