The Star Wars Sith Movie Sucks Donkey Dick

Like most males of my generation, or any generation of the last twenty-five years, I’ve seen the Star Wars movies. All of them. And without a doubt the shear crappiness of Revenge of the Sith confirmed my creeping suspicion that the whole premise is house of cards...shitty cards.

What made the original three films fun and great was the fact that no one had seen anything like it before on screen. Good sound and state of the art special effects easily countered the awkward bad acting and directing. Unfortunately for the Star Wars franchise, technology has caught up and CGI has made it possible for filmmakers to do anything within the realm of their imagination. In short, there is nothing new or exciting about the effects of Sith. We’ve seen it all before. If you take away the backbone support of the earlier three episodes (IV V IV), Sith is at best a mediocre Sci-fi/action movie and would have probably bombed at the box office. From the movie’s opening space battle scene, which was really an advertisement for the videogame, I knew I was in for a roller coaster ride of ass sucking.

What I have the hardest time understanding is how so many people have the uncanny ability to find all of life’s mysteries somehow wrapped up in this story. So to all those dorky dingle berries out there, I have a news flash for you: The plot of Star Wars is about as simple as storytelling gets! Good vs Evil. Black vs. White. Coke vs. Pepsi. I don’t care what psychology and history books Lucas read or how many mythical Greek heroes he changed the name of, it’s not that deep. Going in I knew the acting was going to be as horrible as usual and the special effect were not going to blow me away, so what about the latest installment bothered me so much, besides shelling out $8 to see it? Could it be the dumbass "made in Taiwan" droids? Or the dialog that sounded like it was written by a loaded parrot? Maybe the queen, who must have eaten a retard sandwich and suddenly seemed to lose any insight and opinion on intergalactic politics? No. Alas it was the race of the Jedi.

What a bunch of pussies. The Jedi are supposed to be the most kick ass guys on the block but instead we get a crop of whiny bitches with sand in their vaginas. Why does the entire galaxy thrust it self into an epic genocidal war? Because Anikan little dick Skywalker falls in love and can't handle it. How gay is that. Think about it for a second. If Anikan wasn't such a hopeless romantic queef ball, none of this chaos would have happend. The chosen one should have the mental toughness of a Viet Cong soldier about to eat his own children, not a cry baby who is lured to the dark side by an old guy with the charm of a child molester. It's just impossible to picture Anikan standing up while he pees.

And another thing, I’m so sick of that turd Yoda. I took a dump last night that looked so much like him I considered selling it on E-Bay. Why does he have to end every sentence with a verb? Every one! Each time Yoda opened his mouth I felt like a goat was stomping on my testicles. I wanted him to die so bad. Or should I say, “So bad I him to die wanted”. See, it's real annoying. God I hate Yoda.

Later in the flick the Jedi are tricked and systematically slaughtered by dumb droids and dumber soldiers. All this after we just spent over an hour (and five other movies) watching them escape from one impossible situations after another. Then they all go down like a bunch of mark ass punks? I don't get it. I also don't get why they can't seem to get rid of that idiotic look on their faces, like they just walked in on their parents having sex or something. Fuckin' Aye, you're a Jedi, so do some Jedi shit! I understand it’s a movie but it should still follow some sort of logic, even if it is Star Wars logic.

George got greedy when he made Episode One and doesn’t give a rat’s ass about artistic integrity anymore, which he probably never did. He created a story that got too big for him and he handled it the best way he knew how, by being the biggest sell out in cinematic history, a title I'm sure he's proud of. And what really pisses me off is how everyone is like, "oh it's so good, it's so much better that the last two". Well, I wouldn't say Georgie boy set the bar too high. Episode III being better than Episodes I and II is like how stepping in dog shit is better than eating it. There is plenty more I hated about this movie, but it was so forgettable that I uh…forgot. I’m so glad that sensory cancer is finally over.