I hit a deer

To all those environmentalists out there, let me tell you one thing, I wouldn't be here today if I hadn't been driving my big bad SUV. You want to know how big and bad it is? It's so big and bad that I hit a deer last night going 70mph and the only things to break were one of my head lights and some of the grill. Oh yeah, and the deer. That thing must have weighed over 500lbs and it flew over my car like a bulimic Raggedy Ann doll. Luckily I wasn’t hurt, but I was pissed because I spilled cold beer all over my new stone washed jeans. I always get pissed when that happens. Anyway, SUV-1 Deer-0.

When I got out of my urban tank I was surprised to see the bastard was still alive. It was wiggling and kicking around like Daniel Day Lewis in “My Left Foot”. That movie is hilarious by the way. So I did what any normal red-blooded American would do. I slapped my whip into four-wheel drive and backed up over it a few times. Then, partly to make sure it was dead, but mostly for shits and giggles, I cracked its neck. I pretended it was a filthy terrorist and I was Conan the Destoyer. Ah...good times.

Now the problem is that I'm broke at the moment because I spent all my savings on surgery for my dog. The poor thing is getting up there in the years and he can't hear or see too good anymore, so now I call him Old Keller. The vet said there wasn't anything I could do about his ears or eyes, so I had some testicles re-implanted so that when he dies he can meet his maker with all the dignity that comes with having a set of nuts. The point is that I can't be seen driving around with a busted grill and light. Chicks don't did that and it's embarrassing, which means I need some fast cash.

So I have this deer, or shall I say venison. You are welcome to any part you like, except for the head and antlers, which I plan on mounting so I can tell my poker buddies that I killed it with only a 4 inch Buck knife and rapid head butts. I figure if I sell it for $2 lb I should be able to cover the grill and light, and if I'm lucky, that Croatian hooker that's been giving me the eye lately. Hairy women are sweet. I'm guessing the carcass should be good for another 3 or 4 days, as long as I keep it out of the sun. First come first serve.

P.S. No Fatties!!!