Bad monkey free to good home

I have this monkey and his name is Bill. Bill is a bad bad monkey and I would like for someone with more patience than me to take this malicious primate off my hands. He’s free, hell, I’ll even pay you $50 bucks. Yes, the stereotypes are true, monkeys like to throw poop. Lots of poop. They don’t even care whose poop it is, as long as it’s soft and smelly. Just the other day, Bill had a fist of his own crap in one hand and the neighbor’s dog’s crap in the other. He made threatening gestures with the feces after I told him he couldn’t watch the Brittany & Kevin show because it’s stupid and would lower his already abysmal I.Q. The resulting scene was not pretty and ended in a soiled couch and some pent up monkey spanks.

Sometimes Bill bites too, the little bastard. I found a hickey-like bite mark on my girlfriend’s breast and she told me Bill did it. I believe her. Bill is also a smelly monkey. He only showers twice a week and that is just gross. But by far the worst aspect of Bill is his drinking. He drinks all day and refuses to drink the cheap stuff. It’s all Johnny Walker blue label and Grey Goose. When he gets drunk he pees all over my rug and plays with him self inappropriately in front of company, including my boss, who was not amused. I told him that Skol and Mad Dog 20/20 would get him just as loaded for less than a quarter of the price, which seemed to anger him because he squeezed out a bowel movement into his little monkey paw and chucked it at me. Someone also needs to get Bill to cut back on the unfiltered Camels, because everybody knows that cigarettes and monkeys don’t go together.

Bill was so cool in the beginning. He was everything I ever wanted out of a monkey. We used to stay up late at night writing rap songs and taking about chicks we wanted to court, but now it’s just about booze and hurling poop. He doesn’t give a damn about me or my feelings. I have reached my breaking point. Please come get this bad monkey or I’m putting him to sleep.

P.S. No Fatties