Am I an asshole? M4W post

What's up sluts and trouts. Let me give you the run down on how a date with me would go.

First I would arrive at your house drunk. Not just tipsy drunk, but “I thought I pulled it out of my pants before I peed” drunk. You would give me one of those disappointed looks and I would glare back at you with an eye of the tiger that all but said, "get in the fucking car, bitch". Out of primal fear, you get in the car, but not before you open the driver's side door for me. Then I speed wrecklessly in the wrong lane with the headlights off playing chicken with terrified motorists. I would do this until you started crying. Then I reach over as if to console you and let you know I was only kidding, but instead I cut the strap of your seat belt with a pair of scissors to diminish any previous feeling of safety you might have had.

When we get to a restaurant where no entree exceeds over $5.99, I take a crap in the restroom and make a conscience effort not flush or wash my hands. Then I tell you about my bowel movement in graphic detail and insist that you smell my fingers and guess what I had for lunch. If you get it wrong I will dead leg you. I’ll take a few moments to glance over the menu and decide that this place is far too classy to bring a ho-bag like to. We get back in the car and I drive to the nearest grocery store, where you go in and buy food to cook for me. If you buy me food I don’t like, expect me to crack you in the jaw and send your boney ass back in.

When we get to my place I demand you take off your shoes and then demand you put them back on because your feet smell like shit. Then I’ll play some X-Box while you cook. While we eat I explain how your cooking could bring about world peace because if any of the world’s tyrants ever tasted it they would commit suicide. I’d let out a few after dinner farts and then take off my leather belt and stare at you for a while before letting you know that if you didn’t get straight to the dishes you would experience all 12 hours of Jesus’ pre-crucifixion pain in a matter of two minutes.

After you're finished cleaning my kitchen and bathroom, I take you to the bedroom and have you do my old high school chemistry homework from eight years ago and you're sure to do it with a shit-eating grin on your face. Then I call your father and tell him how wonderful a job he did raising you and if I ever have a little girl of my own and want her to turn out to be dirty little queef whore, I’ll ask for his advice. Next I start to undress myself and you get excited because you think there is a possibility that you might get some action. You begin to disrobe but I quickly let you know that I wouldn’t fuck you with that purple guy Grimace from McDonald's dick. To end the night just right I borrow $40 bucks and tell you to take out the trash on your way to walking home.

Seriously, do you think I'm an asshole?

P.S. No Fatties!!!